Friday, November 11, 2011

May 17, 2011 Feeling Adrift

The sunlight seemed brighter as I walked out of the Emergency Room.  The nurse walked beside me, partly holding me up, partly holding me back from doing anything stupid.  I pulled out my cell phone and called home.  I knew Gi would be possibly still at the hair salon with the girls – Alaina was graduating Pre-K the next day and we wanted her to have her hair cut and styled.  I crossed the parking lot and sat on the curb.  It was the first time noticing Tim’s blood on my hands, my clothes, and even feeling it dry on my face.  The answering machine at home picked up.

“Where are you?  I’m at hospital; call me back!”  I cried into the phone.

I called other relatives and friends.  I called my aunt – my Uncle Vince’s window, Maryanne.  Uncle Vince was killed two months before in a motor cycle accident.  I didn’t want to drag her into this – I felt selfish to ask her to be with me, but I had no one that was close by.  My sister Katie was en route from the Egg Harbor Township.

“Is there anyone that you would like me to try to call?” the nurse asked.

I shook my head.  I didn’t have anyone else really.  I haven’t spoken to my father since before my mother died.  It’s not worth getting into, but in short his letter of disownment was enough.  I just never thought that he would carry what ever he felt towards me and my brother and sister to his grandchildren.

“I have to get back to my son.”  I said as I got up.  I was coughing and sputtering, feeling anger, disbelief, shock, and nausea all at once.  My son was dead.  No one had any answers beyond the obvious and what I was already informed.  The nurse grabbed me by my arm and clung to me.  Partly holding me up, partly attempting to give me comfort.  I felt like a macabre suitor on a bizarre hellish date.

As I entered the room where Tim still lay, another nurse came in and whispered in the nurse’s ear.  She nodded and tapped her thigh in a manner showing she was uncomfortable.

“Mr. Connors, we are going to need to move your son.  I’m sorry.  I was told that the room we’ll be moving him to is more private.”

I acknowledged her, nodding my head.  I followed as the nurse was joined by another and rolled Tim to another room.  The window on the door was occluded with mini-blinds.  I didn’t know what reality was any longer.  I felt the nightmare beginning.  I felt that God had abandoned me.  I lost all connection with what was my world.  I felt alone.  I was adrift...the anchor of my soul was severed from me.