Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Horse

Soon after I went back to work, a co-worker told me that I need to get back on my horse.  What horse would that be? 
What is the color of this horse? 
What breed is this horse? 
Do I look like a cowboy or a cavalryman?
Is it because I am grieving my son still and will be for some time still yet to come that I am suddenly a purveyor of equine sensibility? 
Is this horse a Clydesdale - large, majestic, and strong?
Is this a pale horse that Death rode upon and Hell followed after the fourth seal is opened?
Is this a horse of a different color, much like the one that transported Dorothy to see the Wizard when she entered the Emerald City?

Could this horse be powerful and fast as a Mustang, where I can ride off quickly, to be far and away from the pain?
Why not a bronco, a horse that needs to be broken else throws his rider?
Could this be a horse that is caparisoned, being escorted behind a caisson carrying a coffin, without a rider and boots backwards in the stirrups?

Honestly, it is from a misperception that I am to suddenly be past the grief, anguish, and pain from the death of my child; that this horse I am to be on is the answer to all my questions.  That like any rider from horse stories, the visual of getting back on the horse and try again.  I have gotten back on my horse several times.  This horse has thrown me, broken me rather than I break him. 

What is forgotten is that I, as the grieving parent, never asked for anything.  I was told numerous times “If you need anything call me.”  I appreciated the offer from friends, family, the students of Archbishop Ryan and other Archdiocesan high schools, the community, and the others that have supported me emotionally and spiritually since Tim was killed.  All I really, and honestly, desired was to know the aforementioned people did not abandon me.  They didn’t.  If anything the support from this extended family and modern children’s crusade grew.  The cheers and good wishes have hardened me to face the next day and be able to see the sun or remember that despite storm clouds the sun is still there.

So for the meanwhile, I plod along…leading this horse by the reigns stopping every so often to watch the wheels go round and round.